By Brett Gallaher
“John!” said Peter shortly. “Not yet! He’s not ready for that one!”
“What book?” asked Jesus. “Did they write something bad about me?”
“Well,” said John, “it’s not bad, per se. More politically, historically, and morally complex, to say the least. They just put the ancient texts of your people together with these other newer stories about your life, plus some letters from Paul…”
“Paul?” asked Jesus. “Who’s Paul? I remember something about a guy named Paul.” John and Peter looked at each other, realising this could get out of hand.
“Oh, you don’t want to hear about Paul,” said Peter. “Sad story really. Let’s just say he wrote a lot about you. Good things! Confusing things. Things that caused lots of heated debates and such. But mostly good! Good things!”
“Well, that sounds okay,” said Jesus.
“Indeed,” said John. “But before all that he rounded up Christians and kill–”
“John! Stop! Just stop it now!” interrupted Peter.
“Forget about Paul,” said Jesus (a phrase that every New Testament scholar wished they had overheard). “What is the big deal about the book?”
Peter picked up again. “Well, you see, no one agrees on what it means.”
“Oh, I see. Why’s that such a big deal to them?” asked Jesus. “As long as no one goes to war over it.” No one in the council made a sound for a solid minute. Peter shot daggers at John with his eyes, making an “off with your head” gesture, scraping his thumb nail across his own neck. John got the message loud and clear, sitting back down in his seat. Peter finally broke the silence.
“Right. Well. Here’s one reason. Some of them think it means they should feed the poor, while others think it can’t possible mean that literally since feeding the poor will only turn the poor into societal leeches who put unnecessary fiscal burden on the federal budget with expensive entitlement plans,” said Peter. “So for some Christians, it’s okay to feed the poor but only when they really, really deserve it, like if they were rich before and just ran into some bad luck, like their mansion catching on fire.”
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