By Brett Gallaher
“That doesn’t sound at all like the stuff I was saying back then,” said Jesus. “How could anyone get that from a book about me? I should return at once and set all of this straight!”
“But Jesus,” said Peter. “You’ll run into a few problems at first.”
“Like what?” asked Jesus.
“Well, for starters, if you choose to enter visibly into earth’s atmosphere you’ll most likely be fired upon by what they call a ‘tomahawk cruise missile.’ Not that I think you couldn’t withstand the explosion, my Lord, but probably not the best diplomatic way to make your return. Way too much potential for mass hysteria, I’m afraid.”
“Right, right. Maybe a more subtle approach. I’ll teleport in at night time. Hold a press conference the next morning. I’ll speak live to the whole world. I’ll tell them I’ve come back to establish a peaceful world where all have their needs met and no one will be poor or hungry every again.”
“Won’t work,” said Peter. “You tried that approach last time. The nations will take your message as a declaration of war and a radical threat to their own sovereignty. They’d call you a radical insurrectionist and put you on trial like… you know… like last time.”
“I see. Well, then I will simply address the Christians,” said Jesus. “I’ll tell them that I am back and I will give them precise instructions on how to bring hope and change to their countries.”
“Still won’t work,” said Peter. “Some other guy is using the ‘Hope and Change’ rhetoric right now, so it’d only come off as cliche. But even with a great slogan, many Christians wouldn’t believe it was really you.”
“Why not?” said Jesus.
“Because you’re not white,” said John.
Jesus sat quietly for a moment before speaking, slightly discouraged. “You know, it has been 2,000 years,” he said. “I mean, no one’s really expecting me to come anytime soon right?”
“Right,” responded the council in unison. Maybe Jesus was coming around, they thought.
“I mean, they seem to be content with their current setup. I’d only be stirring up controversy again if I went back, right?” he asked.
“Right!” said the council.
“Jesus?” said another voice. It was Mary, who had come up behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder.
“Yes, mother?” he replied.
“You exist on all planes of time and space. Stop being so lazy,” she said.
Concluded
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