There is no denying that the traditional African man believes all chores in the home are the sole responsibility of women. But then, some others are of the opinion that helping hands should be given to women especially in this era of role reversal in which a lot of women not only contribute to the running of the home financially but in many cases have taken over as bread winners. Senior Reporter Anthonia Soyingbe in this report writes about men’s new responsibilities at home aside providing ‘bread’.
Recently at a Beauty Parlour in Lagos, two married women met and while ‘jiving’, one of them Funke Ayodele, mother of two who works in one of the new generation Banks couldn’t stop praising her husband who she referred to “Adeorimi” (My Crown) to high heavens. Ayodele told her girlfriend, Chigozie Oke that her husband who is also a banker assist her in doing some home chores.
But Oke however is not on the lucky side as this mother of one lamented how her husband lives her to do all the chores without appreciating her efforts. “I am not enjoying my marriage at all. He won’t even appreciate me even if I work 24hours. He says it is his duty to provide money while I do the house chores. He told me that his father was like that and that is how African men are to behave. Though I noticed this before we got married, I thought he will change but five years after our wedding, it is not getting better. I know he can do it but he just don’t want to lift a finger for me at home. He is very caring but he will never help with house chores”, Oke lamented.
Does helping out with house chores make men more responsible or is it just Africa’s culture that men should never partake in housekeeping?
Should men who don’t see reason helping their wives with chores be castigated or labelled “irresponsible”? Daily Independent sought the opinion of Banke Akabueze and she said, “I grew up knowing that a man will always be different from a woman. I’ve got two kids, work in a bank and we have never been lucky with house helps. So I wake up by 4am, prepare meals for everyone, bathe the kids and try to be at work before 7am. I come back from work at about 8pm and have some chores to attend to before bed time. Without any discussions or quarrel my husband changed his pattern.
“He leaves his business as early as 5pm to go pick the kids, he bathe them, feeds them, helps them with homework, if their nails need cutting he handles that. He also does our laundry. I talked to him once about it because I wasn’t comfortable with it because I don’t think it’s right my husband doing all that but his response humbled me. He said ‘I am doing it because I want and it’s the right thing to do! I don’t expect you coming back from work and stressed before sleeping’! There are very simple ways to get our men to love and assist us but if we keep trying to shove ‘gender equality’ down their throat, that’s a recipe for disaster!”
Amara Brown, a Nigerian-based in United Kingdom believes it is not out of place if a man gives a helping hand in doing some home chores but she maintained it is not the sole responsibility of men and so women should not expect it but rather appreciate when men assist in doing chores.
Hear her, “This is Africa, a man spent hundreds of Naira to marry you and there you want to protect your own rights. You are African and your husband is one of those raised to believe that the woman owns and controls the affairs of the kitchen. You knew these when you married him and suddenly you are fighting him for not trying to help out in the kitchen. If you fail to find out the best way to humbly and with respect, get your husband to help in the kitchen, get ready to carry placard to the United Nations building in New York.
“We are Africans and the fact that you live in a different society doesn’t make you one of them. Even my father in the village helps and sometimes cooks for us, but it’s all for fun and because he loves my mum. My mum does not control him but she runs his head through submission. The easiest way to get your husband, not just to wash plates but to mop the whole house and do your laundry without machine, is through submission.” Brown said in a conversation with our reporter.
She added that African women should not believe in some ideologies which do not go with African belief on marriage.
Though still single, Tolutope Idowu who herself is very homely and domesticated vowed when chatting with our reporter on social media never to marry a man who doesn’t believe in helping out with chores.
According to Idowu, such men have wrong mentality. “Once in a while, and you shouldn’t have to beg for this, your husband should help out a little around the house. I won’t marry a man that thinks it’s an abomination to help out around the house. I work as hard as you do for this same family, please help me out too. What some people forget is that culture can stop outside the gate. In your home, your rules are what you live by,” Idowu opined.
Just like Brown, Linda Ajetunmobi a marriage coach said, it bores down to submission on the path of the woman. Ajetunmobi who has been married for over four decades lamented that most ladies are not submissive while some want to be the head in their homes. “I welcome civilization and constant refinement of the society where the man can lend a helping hand with some of the chores when he is free or feel like doing it; but not authoritatively from the woman. It is all fall back to submission and understanding though.
“When you are tired or wanted someone to help you like bringing down the kettle from the gas because you are busy doing another thing, you can lovingly call your husband to please help you out, any responsible man will help. I believe that a healthy marriage relationship should be based on love, companionship, respect, understanding and tolerance. In totality all of these mentioned virtues if applied properly helps in the general day to day running of a home be it in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in raising God fearing children and even when a couple is faced with trials and challenges in their Marriage. Women should apply wisdom, if you don’t have pray for it. As a woman, you should know that attitude that melts the heart of your man, always show him that attitude and you will have him on your palm,” she said.
Habibat Salihu has different view on the subject matter. Salihu in her opinion believes a man as a matter of necessity ought to help with house cores.
“Submission is something I hear only from people who think that life doesn’t exist outside marriage so they put themselves through hell just to stay in it. The demography has shifted a lot. African women nowadays contribute and assist their men even during wedding. If in 2015, African men will expect their women to work and assist in paying the bills which is technically not our culture since we want to go back to the Stone Age , then the men should be ready to modify their role descriptions and assist women in areas like in the kitchen . During the time African women’s place belonged to the kitchen, the men were working and were the sole bread winners of the family. But things have changed and so the role modifications , I won’t go to work , bring the pay home for us , cook , clean , take care of the kids and also be an acrobatic wife in the bedroom for you .I am saying no to slavery”, she noted.
Marriage is still meant to be a relationship between two consenting adults and not some sort of draconian institution where a man is seen sitting on a high and mighty dictatorial chair with the woman on the other end having her fists and ankles in chains. No two persons are the same and so no two marriages are the same as what works for one person may not work for the other. for women, submission may still be the key even if they are the breadwinner.
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